Paramour
by Third Person Point of View
Summary: Shenko fic that follows and expands on the gameplay in ME, ME2, and ME3. Please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

**AN: This is a Shenko fic. Expect some fluff, but mostly a lot of sexy times. I also try to keep mostly within canon so instead of using one of my own FemSheps, this FemShep is the default (red hair, green eyes, scar through eyebrow, freckles) with very few artistic liberties taken in her appearance (mainly that instead of the short haircut she has in ME & ME2, she has long hair she keeps in a bun. This is purely for a head-canon idea I had and really liked, so I'm incorporating it in this story). Thanks!**

Kaidan had never before in his life met someone whose beauty grew so exponentially the longer you knew them. The first time he had caught a quick glance at the renowned Commander Shepard on board the Normandy he had thought that – like some of the privates had been gossiping earlier – although she was a pretty woman, her stern demeanor was a bit overwhelming and intimidating.

He hadn't really given it another thought until three days later in the mess hall. She was seated at the table across from him with Pressley. She was listening carefully to the navigator's conversation, seeming to be fully involved, something that caught his attention. Kaidan had learned long ago that rank and recognition usually brought some sort of arrogant superiority complex. Shepard had seemed devoid of this and he couldn't stop himself from watching her. He was suddenly fascinated with her specific brand of beauty. What he had originally mistaken for severity was actually intensity. Her green eyes were unwavering and fierce, but compassionate. She had a faint smattering of freckles across her nose and cheeks. Many other women were more beautiful than her, but her face suited her very well. Even the scar that cut through her eyebrow was dangerously attractive.

The commander's gaze suddenly met his and Kaidan felt his heart jump at being caught staring. That was just fantastic, he probably looked like a total creep. He focused on his meal intently, trying to burn awkward feeling from his bones. After a few minutes, he flicked his gaze up to where Shepard had been sitting, but she was gone.

Kaidan tended to keep to himself a lot, a trait he had learned after his time in BAaT. He managed to be just social enough to avoid gossip, but usually retreated after a while, watching rather than partaking. However, he suddenly found himself mesmerized by Shepard whenever they happened to be in the same room. Slowly, an idealistic idea of who she was formed in his head, carefully crafted from the power of her walk, the deep, warm tone of her voice that carried so well through a room, and the deep-rooted interest she seemed to give everything and everyone that came into contact with her.

He told himself he was romanticizing someone he had never even had a conversation with. But maybe that was what he liked so much, that the illusion never had to be shattered. That he could make Shepard into what he wanted her to be and the risks of it crumbling were minimal. What interaction with the great Commander Shepard was he going to have on a mere shake-down run? None.

He still felt his heart jump in his chest when he noticed her standing a few mere feet away from him on the bridge one day. Joker was in the middle of a rant about Nihlus and Spectres in general and he used the time to compose himself. He could see her, hands behind her back, from the corner of his eye. Luckily, it was one of Joker's longer rants and he was able to tell himself to stop acting like a five-year old and catch enough of the end of the rant to respond. As Shepard walked away from the bridge, Joker turned to look at him.

"She's intimidating, huh?" he said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah," Kaidan sighed, focusing on his report once more.

"Uh huh. Anderson, a turian Spectre, _and_ Shepard? There's no way this is some bullshit shake-down run."

And still after this Kaidan's opinion of her grew. When things went bad on Eden Prime and Jenkins was killed in action, she took the time to promise a proper burial service even though she emphasized the need for focused action. Watching Shepard in action was like a drug spiking in his veins. An overwhelming urge to do her proud, to live up to her level of commitment drove him, focused his anger at the death of his comrade and the atrocities the synthetics had brought to this peaceful colony. When Ashley Williams found them, Shepard easily adjusted to the situation and took a smooth control over their new strike team, using their strengths against the geth and their husks and masking their weaknesses, making their small team stronger than one thought possible by making efficient use of each member.

Because of this easy assumption of responsibility and authority, the team made it to the beacon and managed to secure the area. Shepard holstered her weapon and began calling to the Normandy for extraction.

"This is amazing," Kaidan said in an awestruck voice. "Actual working Prothean technology. Unbelievable!"

"It wasn't doing anything like that when they dug it up," he heard Ashley say from behind him.

"Something must've activated it," he murmured.

Kaidan wasn't really paying attention to her though, he was transfixed by the glowing green beacon before him. He could hardly believe that he was actually witnessing a working piece of Prothean tech. The ramifications of a discovery like this were unthinkable. His wonder quickly turned to fear as the air around him seemed to buzz and shift. The green light expanded towards him and he was suddenly being pulled towards the shining beacon against his will. It took all his effort not to fly forward towards it, but even then he was fighting a losing battle. His head was beginning to pound painfully. He heard footsteps behind him and then he was throw clear of the beacon's pull. Kaidan rolled and then felt hands supporting him as he brought himself to his knees. He glanced up at the beacon, his head a tangled mess.

"Shepard!" he yelled and lunged for the Commander, who was hovering above the ground, grasped in the beacon's green light.

Ashley held him back forcefully. "No! Don't touch her! It's too dangerous!"

She was probably talking about it being too dangerous for himself, but all he could think was that it was too dangerous to move Shepard now that she was stuck in the beam's hold. He watched horrified, his heart pounding gravely in his chest, as she convulsed and strained in the air. He was her head give a small twitch to the side. The air was filled with an increasingly piercing electric whine that came to its peak just before the beacon exploded and threw Shepard's body backwards. She landed hard on the ground and rolled onto her side.

Kaidan shook Ashley's hands off and scrambled to Shepard's side frantically. He took hold of her shoulders and rolled her onto her back. He carefully turned her face towards him. Her face beneath the clear helmet visor was relaxed and her chest was rising and falling with her breath. She was merely unconscious, but the thought didn't calm him. He was vaguely aware that Ashely was radioing for help beside him.

"Shepard," he said under his breath, guilt burning in his stomach. "Shit, Shepard, come on."

He felt a tap on his shoulder and the sound of the Normandy swooping in for a pick up filled the air. Kaidan carefully picked Shepard up in his arms and headed back to the ship.


	2. Chapter 2

"Doctor?"

The voice was hazy, but familiar. She'd heard it before and as her eyes fluttered open, she identified who it was.

"Doctor Chakwas? I think she's waking up." Kaidan sounded relieved, with a bit of worry lingering in the thick, raspy tone.

Her entire body was heavy, as if she was six feet underwater. Or like someone had beat the absolute shit out of her. Chakwas walked into her field of vision as Shepard sat up and she was aware of Kaidan standing behind her shoulder, his arms crossed over his chest.

"You had us worried there, Shepard," the doctor said in her charming English accent. "How're you feeling?"

"Minor throbbing. Nothing serious," she responded, rubbing her forehead gingerly. "How long was I out?"

"About fifteen hours. Something happened down there with the beacon, I think."

Shepard blinked hard. She had been unconscious fifteen hours? It seemed impossible that she had simple lost so much time. She didn't feel it. Other than her strange, grotesque dreams, she didn't feel she had been asleep at all.

"It's my fault," Kaidan spoke up from behind her. Most people would've believed the neutral, informatory tone of voice he was using to assume responsibility for what had happened, but she practically felt the faint tremor of guilt it carried in her bones. She wondered absently how long he had been waiting here. "I must have triggered some kind of security field when I approached it. You had to push me out of the way."

She cast a glance at him over her shoulder. "You had no idea what would happen."

Kaidan's warm brown eyes found hers and his mouth twitched into a small smile. Chakwas was saying something about never getting a chance to find out what really happened and Kaidan again responded in an official, responsible tone that the beacon had exploded.

"I also noticed an increase in your rapid eye movement, signs typically associate with intense dreaming," Chakwas added, looking Shepard over curiously.

"I was dreaming," Shepard responded, crossing her arms over her chest as she leant against the examination bed she'd just been on. "I saw…"

That's what those horrible flashes must have been, dreams. Flashes stained red and punctuated with shrill, strange shrieks. Machinery clicking and whirring and people being slaughtered. But maybe they were dreams. Kaidan had said she took the brunt of the beacon's reaction and she didn't know what that meant or what repercussions could come from that. No one did. She turned to look back at Kaidan and the doctor.

"I'm not sure what I saw. Death. Destruction. Nothing's really clear."

Shepard closed her eyes again as Chakwas murmured about adding the account to her report, but straightened up quickly as she added, "Oh, Captain Anderson."

After asking how she was and getting updated, Anderson asked to see her in private.

"Aye, aye, Captain," Kaidan saluted. His eyes slid over to Shepard briefly once more. "I'll be in the mess if you need me."

He, and after a moment, Chakwas, stepped out of the room. Anderson asked her how she was doing again. Shepard brushed off the question of her health and expressed her lament over Jenkins. Anderson said a few comforting words, denying her of blame, and then quickly moved on to more important subjects. He wasted no time getting to his point. And his point was this: they were fucked. The mission was a failure, the beacon was lost and broken, Nihlus was dead, and there geth and a rogue Spectre brewing up something neither of them could imagine, but both of them were certain was a shit storm in the making. Anderson's prime concern was Saren, he was smart, dangerous, and ruthless.

With promises to bring Saren to justice and have the Council see reason made on her side, Shepard and Anderson stepped out of the med bay. The Captain broke from her and headed to his cabin, leaving her with instructions to have Joker dock at the Citadel. Shepard headed down the hallway that led from the med bay to the mess and spotted Kaidan standing against one of the wall. He caught sight of her and gave a small smile. She stopped before him

They had never had a real conversation before, other than the small interaction on Eden Prime, but it wasn't an awkward situation. Shepard had been told a little about the Lieutenant from Chakwas and she had observed him around the ship. He was a quiet, reserved sort of person from what she saw.

He was shockingly pretty, both for a man and a marine, and his dark good-looks had made a lot of the women on the ship sigh and giggle between themselves. There were two girls that worked in the kitchen – young, excitable little things – that Shepard had caught whispering about Kaidan several times. Shepard had never put much importance into physical beauty, but standing this close to him, with no helmet impairing the view of his face, she couldn't help but notice that he was so finely crafted that even his thick, long eyelashes made her envious.

"Commander, I'm glad to see you're okay," he said.

Oh, yeah, and his voice was sex itself as an audio file. Raspy, deep, and breathy, it was easy to understand why people so often were physically affected by it.

"Losing Jenkins was hard on the crew," Kaidan continued with a sad shake of his head. "I'm glad we didn't lose you, too."

Shepard felt for him. He had taken the death of his friend hard and she could see the sadness in his eyes. She could also see the guilt still lingering there. He was still holding himself responsible for what had happened with the beacon. She decided to shelve that for a moment.

"How are you holding up?" she asked. "Things got pretty rough down there."

As they talked, Shepard found herself sinking easily into the conversation. He was intelligent and able to easily see through bullshit. He had, in two sentences, identified what the biggest problems the Council would put forth about their mission would be. Far from being simple and one-dimensional, Kaidan was proving to be multi-layered and even though he was kind, he wasn't overly giving. However, the longer they spoke, the more Shepard felt the thin little layers begin to peel off. His father had served, but there was something to the delay in his own enlistment. He was curious, but respectful and tactful, straight-forward, but not brazen.

Shepard realized suddenly that she had been sent to speak to Joker on the bridge almost a full ten minutes ago. "I truly am sorry about Jenkins," she said to him. He nodded and she started heading towards the bridge. She paused and looked back with a little smile. "And the only one blaming you about the beacon is yourself. Besides, I didn't _have_ to push you out of the way."

Shepard gave a lingering smile and walked away. As she turned her back and headed towards Joker, Kaidan let out a sigh and shook his head to himself. Because it was right then that he finally had to admit that he had a horrible, overwhelming thing for her.

"Jesus Christ, Alenko," he muttered to himself as he walked out of the mess. "What are you, a fucking five-year-old with a crush?"


	3. Chapter 3

As anticipated, the Council was not pleased with the report from Eden Prime. Neither was Udina. Then again, neither was Shepard or Anderson, but they at least understood the severity of the situation that had been presented to them. Udina seemed to see it only as a possible political pawn to get more recognition for humanity in general. The Council was blindly refusing to acknowledge Saren's threat as a rogue Spectre at all. They had been docked at the Citadel from two days already and shore leave was being handed around like there was no tomorrow until Captain Anderson and Udina were able to put together a hasty plan. The Council refused to admit there was anything wrong with Saren, but they did consent to have C-Sec investigate. Udina and Anderson, on the other hand, were not going to leave the matter in someone else's hand. Shepard had been given instructions to take her team with her on shore leave at all times. And whilst they were on leave, do a little digging into the matter and see what they could find on Saren themselves.

This "shore leave" afforded Shepard a lot of time to get to know her new team, specifically Kaidan. She liked being around him. He was smart and charming and he was surprisingly funny. He had a sort of dry humor that she hadn't expected to find. She couldn't deny that he was attractive. She was trying to deny her growing interest. He had just the right about of sweetness to disarm and the just-visible underlying layer of darkness to intrigue. But she was interested and the copious amounts of time that she was spending with him wasn't helping. Shepard would've been concerned, but duty to the Alliance came first and from what she saw, it was the same way for Kaidan.

It wasn't until they were walking through the markets, on their way to see Anderson, and found a quiet little spot with an incredible view of the Citadel arms that Shepard realized that she might not have been the only one looking.

"Big place,"" Kaidan said with almost child-like wonder in his voice.

"Is that your… professional opinion, sir?" Ashley quipped sardonically.

Shepard ignored her harsh tone, looking over the densely packed arm spanning out before them. "He's right, Chief. This isn't a station, it's a city."

"There must be millions here," Kaidan continued, leaning against the low wall in front of them. "It can't be possible to track everyone coming and going."

"This makes Jump Zero look like a port-a-john and it's the largest deep space station the Alliance has," Ashley added.

Kaidan shook his head. "Jump Zero was big, but this is a whole other scale. Look at the ward arms! How do they keep all that mass from falling apart?"

"The Council represents more races than I thought," Shepard said, the thought coming to her at the sight. It was so much grander than Shepard had ever consciously realized. "No wonder they're careful with newcomers."

"They probably just want to keep everything running. It has to be hard, keeping all these cultures working together."

"Or maybe they just don't like humans," Ashley put in darkly.

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "Why not? We've got oceans, beautiful women, this emotion we call 'love'… According to the old vids, we have everything they want."

"When you put it that way, there's no reason they wouldn't like you," Kaidan added with a smirk. He straightened suddenly as Shepard whipped her head towards him. He looked as surprised as she did that the words had come out of his mouth. He scrambled to edit his comment. "I mean, _us_. Humans, ma'am."

Ashley scoffed at him. "You don't take much shore leave, do you, LT?"

Kaidan didn't respond, just awkwardly rubbed the back of his head and looked away. Shepard fought a small smile growing over her lips and managed to push it down by clearing her throat.

"All right, laugh it up, Chief," she said, diffusing the tension. She knew she had to say something. "I appreciate the thought, Alenko, but we're on duty here."

Kaidan's deep brown eyes turned to meet hers and she found that she was much more pleased with the result than she should have been.

"Uh… aye, aye, ma'am," he said softly, bowing his head to look up at her through his thick, dark lashes, still a little embarrassed about his slip of the tongue.

The week had turned out to be busy and, in the end, fruitful. They had found new teammates that both knew of Saren and were interested in helping to take him down: first Garrus, then Wrex, and lastly - and with most success – Tali. And between all of this, Shepard and Kaidan had been talking, getting to know more about one another, liking what they saw. The more difficult things became, the more they seemed to seek one another out.

It became very clear to each of them why. After his first slip up, Kaidan admitted to himself how interested he actually was in Shepard, admitted that he was already pretty deep into "feelings" territories, and he wasn't stupid. He picked up on the signs that Shepard was also interested. She wasn't making too much of an effort to be subtle when they were alone. She came to talk to him often, asked a lot of questions, even got him talking about Rahna and everything that had happened in BAaT. Even so, it wasn't until after Liara T'Soni joined their crew and rumors started spreading that she was interested in Shepard as more than just a case study that he realized just how far he'd fallen for her himself.

He was taking his lunch break and had run into Garrus and Tali. The three of them made the line to get their meal, Garrus and Tali continuing a conversation about gun calibrations and engine repairs. They politely added Kaidan to the conversation, but he didn't have too much to contribute so he let them talk. The two of them were ahead of him in line and started to slowly meander towards a table, waiting for him, but wrapped up in their conversation. The two girls serving lunch started slapping food onto his tray and as they did they started a conversation of their own.

"That alien food is _so _weird," one, a brunette, whispered.

"I know, right?" said her blonde friend. "I kind of wonder how it tastes though."

"Don't eat it, you'll die." The blonde chuckled, but other continued, "No, for real. It'll probably kill you. Turians and quarians have a different digestion tract. Humans can't process it and vice-versa."

"Strange. Seeing all these aliens on an Alliance ship is strange. It's pretty cool though. I mean that turian looks pretty badass. And that krogan is terrifying. I like the little quarian girl."

"Tali? Yeah, she's cool. Have you seen the asari yet? She's so beautiful. Kind of a nerd, though."

Kaidan slid along, not really caring about their gossip-fest, pointing to what he wanted from the selection. His mind was on the seemingly endless amounts of reports he still had to do. The next bit of the lunch-girls' conversation caught his attention firmly though.

The brunette lowered her voice to a rogue whisper. "She has a _total_ crush on the Commander." Kaidan's head involuntarily snapped up at that. He caught himself and went back to looking like he didn't care.

"Really?" the blonde gasped, looking like she just hit the gossip jackpot. "How do you know?"

"Have you seen the way she looks at her? Everyone knows. It's like this big school-girl crush on the popular kid at school."

"Hmm. Dr. T'Soni didn't strike me as gay."

"She's not really. Technically. I guess. The asari only have one gender, can you be gay with one gender?"

The two girls then started in on the semantics of homosexuality in a mono-gendered species, handing Kaidan his food. He wasn't listening to the conversation anymore. He wasn't thinking about reports or duty. He was thinking about Shepard and whether or not she knew about Liara's supposed crush. He joined Tali and Garrus at a table and ate slowly. It was only mess hall rumors that he had to go by. It wouldn't be right to judge the situation based on the gossip of two young recruits who worked in the kitchen.

So he decided that before he did anything or came to any conclusions, he would scope the situation out for himself. He confirmed two things with this: the first was that, from what he could see, Liara did seem to have a sort of crush on Shepard. The second was that he was certain now that he was in too deep to pull out. He cared about Shepard, he'd let her in closer than he'd allowed anyone in a very long time. In terms of Shepard being either aware of the situation or of her reciprocating, he wasn't sure. Sure, he and Shepard had flirted, a lot, but flirting didn't amount to much in the end. He remembered a conversation when Liara had first come on board where Shepard had asked his opinion on the asari.

"She seems nice enough," he'd responded with a shrug. Their interaction had been minimal. "I mean, if you like the bookish sort."

"Do you?" Shepard asked suddenly, her voice low and intimate. "Any intentions there, Lieutenant?"

"None, Commander," he'd replied and something about the way that she looked up at him through her lashes gave him the confidence to add, "I prefer… adventurous women."

She had given a small smile and left him then. She had asked if he'd had intentions with Liara. He thought bitterly now that he should've asked the same.


	4. Chapter 4

"So," Garrus said in his now-familiar drawling tone. Shepard had learnt that this tone usually accompanied mockery or dry sarcasm. "Shepard."

She didn't pause in her task of getting a usage report from the Mako she and Garrus were working on, but she did get ready for whatever jab was coming next.

"Yes, Garrus?" she responded, a note of wary caution in her own voice.

The turian was already hiding a taunting smile. "Just how sweet are you on Kaidan, anyway?"

She felt herself freeze for a millisecond, but powered through, hoping Garrus hadn't caught the pause. He had, of course. Goddamn him and his sharp eyes. That's what she got for befriending a turian sniper with no qualms about getting uppity. She knew that if she denied it, it would go worse for her. Besides, why lie? To Garrus of all people, especially. For the most part, they had an honest, brash relationship. It was the reason they had become such good friends so quickly. Still, she decided to take it light and feel him out. See where he was going with this.

"What makes you think I'm attracted to Kaidan?" she asked, finishing with her report and turning to him with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh, nothing," Garrus responded with a casual shrug. "Just the general feeling that the two of you are about three point five seconds away from getting naked every time you're in a room together."

Shepard laughed at that and shook her head. "It's not that bad, is it? I mean, you can't really tell, can you?"

"Everyone can tell," Wrex answered while passing by. "You can smell the sex in the air, for fuck's sake."

Garrus just raised a comically amused eyebrow at her as she sighed and rubbed at her shoulder.

"Jesus Christ," she muttered under her breath. "That's… unfortunate."

"Why?" Garrus asked, putting away the omni-tool and all pretense of work before hoisting himself up onto the wheel of the now fully repaired tank.

"It's complicated enough and people gossiping about it won't help." Shepard leaned against the tank beside where Garrus was sitting.

"Okay, maybe _everybody_ was an exaggerated qualifier. We're your team, we spend a hell of a lot of time with you. We know you and Kaidan. And what, exactly, makes a mutual desire to, uh…"

"Fuck," Wrex provided from across the room.

"…sure," Garrus conceded with a nod. "What makes it complicated?"

"Regulations, mostly," Shepard sighed. "I'm his commanding officer. It's not the best scenario."

"So don't tell anyone."

"It's not that easy, it's a huge risk."

"Do you care about him or do you just want to, uh…"

"Fuck," Wrex repeated.

Shepard grinned and shook her head before sobering. "I do care about him, a lot. He's, well… he's pretty extraordinary. But there is so much going on. We can't lose focus."

"Being with someone you care about doesn't make you lose focus."

"Neither does fucking, for that matter," Wrex said.

"You are extraordinarily preoccupied with them fucking," Garrus responded, giving him an amused look.

"Hey, if there's one thing the genophage has taught us krogans, it's that fucking is good. The more you fuck, the better."

Garrus cocked his head and looked back at Shepard with a nod. "He's got a point, Shepard."

Shepard shook her head. "Why don't we just drop this. Forever. Immediately."

"Aye, aye, Commander," Garrus and Wrex responded with mocking grins.


	5. Chapter 5

"I'm sorry, Ash," Shepard said, a cold, steel dread knotting tightly in her stomach. "I had to make a choice."

"I know, Commander," Ashley replied, her voice warm in Shepard's ear. "I don't regret a thing."

Shepard ran back to the AA Tower, her mind whirling. If she was quick and lucky, she could get to them both. She refused to give in to the nagging voice itching at the back of her skull. The one that whispered gravely that she was lying to herself. The one that was telling her in harsh, factual words that she didn't want to hear.

Shepard practically exploded into the firefight happening at the AA Tower. She snapped instructions to Tali and Wrex behind her to mop up quickly. With a roar of agreement, Wrex leapt forward, blazing blue and practically bleeding bullets. Sharp, high-pitched whirs came from Tali's omnitool as she disabled machine after machine ruthlessly.

"Alenko!" Shepard called, firing another series of rounds as a geth trooper flashed out in front of her. "Alenko, where are you? Kaidan!"

She found him behind a pile of steel crates. There was a large gash through the armor on his leg. It was swollen and trickling blood. She knelt beside him. Tali took point and covered them while Wrex charged forward drawing enemy fire. The sound of his guttural yells and the stream of curses that spewed from him comforted Shepard.

"What happened?" she asked Kaidan.

He winced and drew himself up to sit taller, trying to ignore the searing pain. But Shepard saw that his deep brown eyes were dim and fading. He was losing blood and, in turn, conscious thought.

"I got the tail end of a frag grenade," he hissed through his teeth. "Piece of shrapnel tore through my suit. It's not as bad as it looks, Commander."

"Don't fucking lie to me, Alenko. Stay down."

Shepard threw herself into the fight again, the last remnants of the geth troopers went down quickly after. The area was clear. If she moved quickly, she could still make it back to the bomb site.

"Wrex! Stay with Kaidan until the Normandy arrives," Shepard called. "Tali, you're with me. Let's move!"

But the order didn't even get a chance to linger in the air when a flying pad swept onto the battlefield and a biotic blast hit the ground by Shepard's feet. Shepard turned and fired and as she did, her eyes landed with horror on Saren.

"GO!" she yelled at her team and ran.

Another biotic blast missed her by mere inches. Shepard was pushed forward in the air by the shockwave of it. Tali dove into cover moments before Wrex. Shepard struggled onto her hands, a searing pain in her side where a rib had cracked. She turned and caught sight of Kaidan, struggling up from the pile of crates that had once been his cover.

Cold taloned hands wrapped themselves around her neck and she was being dragged. Shepard clawed at the hands around her throat fiercely, but Saren was lifting her bodily off the ground and her breathing was coming shallow and quick now. The sudden far away sound of a blaring alarm made him turn his head with a hiss. Shepard took the sudden opportunity and landed a punch square on his flat nose when he turned back. With a gurgle of rage, Saren dropped her and she scrambled up from the ground, away from him, her gun coming into her hand automatically.

The truth was that her head was racing, wheeling, still caught in the after-effects of oxygen loss. Saren was willing to talk or at least hear himself talk. Shepard kept him going as long as she could, trying in vain to make him understand his error in siding with the Reapers, no matter what good he thought he was doing. But throughout the conversation she was assessing her wounds – severe bruising to the neck, three broken ribs, a badly sprained hand – and counting down the time since the alarm began blaring – 12 seconds, _Kaidan was bleeding out_, 13 seconds, _Ashley was still at the bombsite and overrun with geth_, 14 seconds, _where the fuck was the Normandy?_, 15 seconds – and wondering if she was crazy or if there really was doubt leaking into Saren's voice as he spoke.

In the end it didn't matter. In the end Saren shot first and a fire-fight ensued. In the end, it was the arrival of the Normandy that both drove Saren away and sealed their fate. Shepard ran to Kaidan. He was breathing and conscious, but barely. He struggled to lift himself from his slumped position. Shepard slung his arm around her shoulders, grimacing with the piercing shock of pain that flared in her chest and neck, and managed to lift him onto unstable feet.

"Come on, Commander," Joker said in her ear and although he made an effort to sound normal she caught the strained sadness in his voice. "We've only got two minutes to get out of the blast radius."

"Tell Chakwas to meet us in the bay, Joker," she ordered.

It was clear after three shuffling, terribly slow steps that Kaidan wasn't going to be able to walk to the ship. With a grunt, pain exploding behind her eyes, Shepard hefted his weight onto her shoulders and bodily lifted him off the ground. She was losing one squad mate by force, to hell if she was going to let anything but the devil himself take Kaidan from her. With heavy, struggling steps she made her way to the open cargo bay door. Wrex, looking back from ahead of her, checked his stride and came back to her. Without a word he took Kaidan's weight and Tali came up beside her.

"You all right, Shepard?" she asked, concern in her voice.

Shepard winced and hobbled behind Wrex and Kaidan. "Broke some ribs. Maybe my hand."

Tali gently slid her arm under Shepard's and helped her into the ship. Chakwas was already kneeling beside Kaidan applying heavy doses of medigel. Shepard was glad to see he was much more awake now and sitting up with his own strength. His dark eyes flickered up to catch hers as she passed. In them she could see sorrow and guilt. Shepard made her way, wincing, to the elevator.

"Commander!" Chakwas called after her. "I need to treat your wounds!"

_Hurry up, hurry up!_ Shepard yelled to herself. She couldn't be down here, she couldn't just leave Ashley down there without… without a proper goodbye. Or maybe what she needed was to take full accountability for what was about to happen. She needed to watch, to see it. To see through the call that she'd made.

She made her way through the bustling CIC, past the galaxy map and up the hallway where busy soldiers were posted at their stations, and into the cockpit to the large open window. The beach and jungles were nothing more than specks already. Joker's hands were flying rapidly and skillfully over the console. He caught sight of Shepard standing behind him near the window, his eyes raking over her.

"Uh, Commander," he started, his hands still moving as if on automatic. "You're kind of bleeding all over the bridge."

Shepard gave no notice, just stared out the window, turmoil building in her stomach. She watched as the atmosphere streamed around the ship, as the huge edges of the planet's crust outlined by distant stars came into view. Joker turned back in his chair.

"All right, everybody, hang on!" he said, kicking the eezo drive into gear.

The ship seemed to halt for half a second in mid-flight. At that same moment, from thousands and thousands of miles below a flash burst distantly on the surface of the planet. A giant mushroom cloud of burning white and yellow consumed an unbelievably large area of land, even from so far up, and flickered ominously. Shepard closed her eyes against it, resisting the urge to recoil from what she knew had just happened, and then opened them again. Her brow was furrowed angrily. She watched until they were too far for her to remember what speck of land they had been on, where Ashley had died, fighting to her bitter end.

They would pay for this.

Cold anger was racing through her veins and she turned from the window slowly. Pain pricked at her, but she ignored it. It was distant and unimportant right now. She made her way to the med bay. She seemed to cut a swath through her men, the streamed aside, clearing a path for her. Every eye followed her, but no one said anything. She opened the door to the medical bay, which was bustling with activity. It paused as she entered, everyone turning to her, feeling the cold, dangerous air that blew in behind her. Without a word she took a seat on one of the examination beds and waited like an obedient child.

Chakwas finished wrapping Kaidan's leg, then she turned to Tali, then to Wrex. As she finished with each one, they silently got up and left. Then Shepard was the only patient left. Chakwas worked in silence, respecting the commander's need for it. Shepard complied to all of the doctor's probing instructions, removing her armor and her undershirt to give Chakwas a look at the cracked and bruised ribs. Shepard waited in a dense, frightening silence while medigel was applied, bandages were wrapped on, injections and pills were given. It wasn't until the doctor had finished wrapping her ribs tightly and she was pulling her clothes back on that Shepard spoke in a steel voice.

"Tell Joker to call the squad in for a debriefing in the comm room."

Chakwas eyed her for a moment, worry plain on her face, but said nothing other than, "Yes, Commander."

The debriefing was difficult, tiring, and painful. Everyone was bogged down with sadness and rage. Everyone was jumpy, more than half the group was irritable in their loss. Wrex was raging, his time on Virmire hadn't been easy from the beginning. Destroying what looked like a cure to the genophage had been a huge sacrifice for him and losing a squad mate to the man who was toying with his people only made matters worse. Garrus, too, was angry and irritable. Tali was sad and because of that, listless and uncooperative. She'd never gotten along too well with Ashley and they certainly weren't close, but she was kind and the loss affected her greatly. Kaidan was silent, wounded and brooding, and after a quick sentence at the beginning of the meeting, he hadn't said anything else. He sat looking at his hands in his lap the entire time. Liara was the only one who managed to stay focused and level-headed. There was pain and sorrow in her tone, but she fixed herself firmly on the pressing issues.

It wasn't until she had dismissed her team and finished reporting in to the Council – a frustrating and practically useless task – that Shepard was really alone. Yes, it had been her call down on Virmire, but Ashley's blood was on Saren's hands. God help him when Shepard found him.


	6. Chapter 6

Kaidan felt as though he was walking under water. Everything was hazy, slow, and unbearably sad. Guilt was crashing inside him like pounding waves. He'd given up trying to accomplish his duties an hour ago and he had taken to pacing through the ship slowly. Ashley had died, they'd left her behind to go out in a blaze of glory. At least that, she wouldn't have had it any other way. Each footstep felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. He was walking down the long hallway that led to the stockroom. The sound of the door to the women's restroom opening came to him from up ahead on his right. He glanced up.

Inside he could see Shepard. She was standing before a mirror and her long red hair was loose around her shoulders and face. The glorious flaming locks were usually wrapped up in a perfunctory bun, but the soft waves around her face suited her. Unable to tear his eyes from her, Kaidan watched as Shepard carefully pulled the thick hair up into a ponytail. The movement was slow as her dominant hand was wrapped in a bandage and cumbersome because of it. It wasn't until she was just finishing wrapping it all into her usual bun that her eyes caught Kaidan watching her.

Her eyes were a brilliant, fiery green, competing in wild beauty with her hair, and they met his unwavering. She turned towards him slowly and brazenly, making no effort to hide from his eyes or anyone else's, and watched him as he slowly walked by. Their eyes held. Her hand slid down from her hair and fell to her side. Then the door slid shut noiselessly and Kaidan was alone again in the hallway.

He hadn't lost Shepard. At least that. She was safe. She was alive.

The words brought a wave of guilt crashing over him and he slipped into the storeroom. It was dim and empty, perfect for him. His head was beginning to throb with the familiar ache of a coming migraine. He closed his eyes against it wearily for a long time.

The sound of the door opening and sliding shut again roused him and he glanced back over his shoulder.

"Shepard," he said and his voice caught in his throat.

She said nothing, but there was sadness clearly written in her face. She stood very close to him, her eyes flickering over his face. She was concerned for him, weary with loss herself. Shepard gently lifted a hand a cupped his cheek. Kaidan felt his barriers breaking down at the touch of her fingers. He closed his eyes for a long moment and shifted closer to her, desperately needing to reassure himself that she was real, that she was truly there. She slid her arms around his neck and pulled him in close, hugging him tightly. His arms wrapped around her and he buried his face in the slope of her neck.

"I…" Kaidan started in a soft whisper. "I can't believe that Ash didn't make it. How could we just leave her down there?"

Shepard pulled back to look him in the eyes again. His hands rested on her hips, his fingers digging into the fabric of her uniform.

"She gave her life to save the rest of us," she responded gently. "She was an incredible soldier. One of the bravest people I've ever met in my life."

"We didn't even… her family won't even have a body to bury."

"Williams knew the risks going in. We all did."

"But she's the one who didn't survive. Why?" the question hitched in his chest. "You picked me. Why me? Why not her?"

Shepard raised her hands to cup his face and look directly into his eyes. She ran her thumb gently along his cheekbone.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan," she whispered. "I could never… I could never leave you behind. I couldn't. You know that."

Kaidan nodded heavily. He understood too well. If it had been him making the call, he wouldn't have left Shepard either. And that was the thing, as grateful as he was, he knew that there was no variation of the situation that would have resulted in Ashley being chosen.

"I just… Ash is dead. She died because of me, because of…" Kaidan closed his eyes and pressed his forehead lightly to hers. His fingers curled guiltily at her hips. "Because of us."

Shepard's hands slipped back and her palms spread against his neck. Her fingers were splayed in his thick, dark hair. The movement made him open his eyes and he found hers, green and bright, staring at him. There was sadness, but instead of guilt he found a hot, molten anger.

"It wasn't your fault, Kaidan," she said in a hard voice. "And it wasn't mine. It was Saren's. He is the _only_ one to blame for Ashley's death and for all the atrocities that we found on Virmire and on all the other godforsaken planets that he has touched."

Kaidan nodded again. "Yeah… yeah."

He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead, his lips lingering on her skin for a few long moments. They stood like that, holding each other, for a while, breathing each other in.

"I am grateful," Kaidan whispered. "That you came for me. I was really starting to think that I was never going to see you again."

Shepard gave a small, rueful smile. "You can't get rid of me that easily."


	7. Chapter 7

"Commander?"

Kaidan hadn't knocked, but then again he didn't really need to anymore. Officially, since they had defied orders and mutinied, Shepard was no longer entitled to the privilege of a private cabin or even the ship she was on. Unofficially, she and Kaidan had been breaching more serious protocols than polite knocking for a long time. She stood with a sigh.

"You probably shouldn't call me that," Shepard said with a shrug. She was trying to make a joke, but there was doubt in her voice. "Probably shouldn't even be wearing this uniform."

"Yeah, hell of a thing," he said, rubbing his chin. "We broke our oath to defend the Alliance so we can keep it. What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard? I mean, we mutinied, stole a prototype warship… If they wanted to get technical, they can throw in kidnapping. We're a hell of an example of humanity's best and brightest, huh?"

"I keep reminding myself we're doing the right thing. I don't believe me yet."

Kaidan saw the weight on her shoulders. Shepard not doing the right thing? Impossible Shepard would have run herself through a cheese grater if it was the right thing. There was no instinct that she had, no call that she made, no choice – no matter how difficult – that wasn't painfully tuned into the "right thing".

"Well," he said warmly. "If I didn't think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn't be here. It'll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos. If things don't go well, I want you to know... well." He took a step forward, making the gap between them practically non-existent. His voice darkened. "I've enjoyed serving under you."

"Kaidan," she said on a breathy sigh. He loved the sound of her voice, deep and husky and able to go from terrifyingly stern to gentle and warm in less than a second. Shepard gave a little smile, tilting her head to look him straight in the eyes. "You stopped being a subordinate a long time ago. Don't you think it's time to act like it?"

"Battlefield flirting is one thing, Shepard. There are regs against fraternization," he said cautiously. When she raised one eyebrow dubiously, he gave a small laugh in consent. "Ha, I suppose 'breach of protocol' will be pretty far down the list in our courts martial." He shook his head and the movement somehow moved him even closer. "You know what? You're right. About everything. I think about losing you and I can't stand it."

He reached his hand forward and his fingers gently, cautiously brushed her palm. His expression was pained and far away. He was thinking about Feros and Noveria. About Virmire, where he had been so close to losing her. Virmire, where the thought of her being gone, which until then had been cosmically fantastical and surreal, was pressed hard in his brain because of the loss that did happen. Kaidan raised his gaze to her again and dark brown clashed heavily with brilliant green.

"And the galaxy will keep going," he said, as if the thought was reprehensible and impossible. "Everything, even the Reapers, will come around again. But you and I… _we_ are important right now."

"So stay," she said in a soft whisper. She flipped her hand over so that she caught his arm gently in her palm. Her fingers slid slowly up his arm, her eyes following the contact as if it were something beautiful to behold – their bare skin meeting and clinging. She lifted her eyes to him again. "Bunk here tonight, Kaidan. With me."

"Is that an order?"

"A request. Stay with me."

Shepard leaned forward, closing the gap between them. Kaidan's eyes fluttered closed as her mouth met his for a long moment. She pulled back and Kaidan's eyes remained closed. His brow was furrowed, trying to hold himself back from something he desperately wanted to do. But when Shepard slid closer, her thighs brushing his and her lips pressing against his own for a second time, his hands came up to hold her waist. Her lips parted beneath his and he sighed, all the restraint leaving his body with the sound. His hands slid up between her shoulder blades, forcefully pressing her against him. Shepard's arms wrapped around his neck, her fingernails scraping lightly at the back of his skull and her tongue met and clashed with his own.

Kaidan bowed his head to nip at the edge of her jaw, one strong hand cupping the nape of her neck as she threw her head back with a soft moan. He smiled against her skin, but Shepard wasn't satisfied. Her fingers pulled at the hem of his uniform, pulling the top from him in a quick, almost frenzied action. He bent so that she could finish pulling his shirt over his head and toss it to the floor.

She stepped back for a moment to admire her handiwork. Years of Alliance marine training were plainly visible in each one of the hard, tightly-corded muscles pressing against his skin. Shepard was beginning to smile to herself and Kaidan grinned, amused. He waited a few long moments until she lifted her gaze to him again and realized she had been caught up in her own head.

"Unfair," he teased, nodding towards her. "You've got the strategic advantage."

Shepard smiled and bent to unlace her boots. "That's all right. I don't want it."

Kaidan watched, his jaw slackening more and more as she removed first her shoes, then the belt at her hip and the cargo pants, and then the shirt. But she didn't stop when she was clad in her underwear. First the bra loosened and fell to the floor at her feet. Then she pulled down the last tiny scrap of clothing.

Kaidan's eyes followed its progression to the floor and then slowly all the way back up again. Without realizing it, he whispered a husky, "Holy fuck…" which Shepard smiled at. He stepped close to her again slowly and after taking in another long look, his eyes raised to her face and then up. He lifted a hand, but instead of touching any of the glorious, newly revealed bare skin, Kaidan reached up and very gently pulled her long, copper hair loose from its bun. Something about how sweet and slow the action was made Shepard's heart pump faster. She watched his face carefully and saw that it was cast in an expression of wonder. As if he'd been waiting for millennia to do nothing more than let her hair loose. He dismissively dropped the tie that had held the locks in place and then took his time, savoring the sensation of his fingers slipping through her silken red hair. Shepard closed her eyes and breathed in deeply at the touch of his hands. Finally, his hands came down through her hair to cup the sides of her face and his eyes found hers again.

He leaned in and kissed her once more, starting slow and deep, his jaw working with hers languidly, but an urgent heat, caused by the heat of her skin against his, steering them into a frenzy. His hands slid down her shoulders, over her bare back, and he bent lower, seeming to engulf her into himself as his fingers inched teasingly over her ass. Shepard bit down lightly on his lower lip and he gave a feral sort of grunt at the back of his throat. She pulled back from him, her breathing hard, and focused her attention to the little clothing the lieutenant had left. As her fingers dipped below the hem of his pants he groaned and his hands came to rest for a moment on her flat, smooth stomach. Shepard wrenched the fatigues to the floor and wheeled him around so that with the next push of her hands, Kaidan fell backwards onto the bed.

He watched was Shepard slowly crawled over him, a lock of flaming hair casting one fiery green eye into a dangerous shadow. Skin slid over smooth skin as she came down over him, her mouth falling to his naturally. With a deft movement, Kaidan twisted them so that Shepard was pinned under him. He could feel the heat of her body under his. He generously dropped kiss along her jawline, down her neck, onto the hollow of her collarbone. She pressed her hips up into him involuntarily as his mouth closed over the peak of one breast and with that same movement, Kaidan claimed her.

Shepard's eyes closed and a dark, heavy moan escaped her lips. Kaidan rolled his hips, slow and deep, at the sound and bent to kiss her parted lips once more. Her fingernails dragged across his muscular back. Sweet sighs fell from her as he quickened his pace until the rhythm was maddening and drove her to the edge until, with a short cry, she felt pleasure crash over her in waves.

That was the first of many times, and many ways, that Kaidan would please her that night.


End file.
